Dear friends, it’s not that I don’t care. That’s not why I’m not going to answer the phone if you call. No, you don’t annoy me, I’m not secretly angry at you about something.
But I’m not going to answer the phone if the display doesn’t show me a name or number that I recognize.
I’m really sorry about it, but it’s just not worth what it might do to my blood pressure.
Dear spammers and scammers,
Your calls now outnumber real phone calls from people who matter to me by at least two to one.
And you know what? I don’t like it. You prey on people for profit, and don’t care if their lives are ruined. You are a bottom-feeder in a sewage lagoon, and I want nothing to do with you or the stink that accompanies you everywhere.
Furthermore, I’m not as stupid as you think I am. For that matter, I’m not as stupid as you are. You, yes you, the guy who called today. Well, it seems there’s a problem with my Windows computer, and you need me to go online or something so that you can help me fix it.
Well, isn’t that interesting! I don’t have a Windows computer. I’m on a Mac.
“I don’t have a Windows computer,” I said.
You tried to argue with me about it. (Remember what I said about stupidity? Hint: that was one of the giveaways.)
I then used the most colourful language that I could come up with—and I can be quite colourful and creative, given half a chance. “You lying scumsucking scamming asshole” was at the mild end of the spectrum, as I recall.
You continued to try to argue that this was not a scam, but by then I was hanging up.
A roach would be smarter than you are, and it would probably be better company. And smell better.
Because this was the second call from you (yes, I recognized your voice) with the same script, in two days. What were you doing, waiting till you reached the stupid person in the household? Got news for you—there isn’t one.
Yesterday I also told you I didn’t have a Windows computer. It didn’t stop your patter then, either. I actually let you talk longer today, so you could dig yourself into a deeper hole. And so I could berate you at greater and more colourful length. And place a curse on you. Thanks for that opportunity, it was the best part of our encounter.
Tomorrow, though, I just won’t answer the phone. Unless I recognize the name or number. So dear scammers and spammers, you may as well give up and take your toys elsewhere. I’m not going to play.
And dear friends, I apologize if I don’t answer the phone when you call. Please leave a message.
UPDATE PS: I hate spammers almost as much as I hate scammers. Though the email they send sometimes has a similarly poetic level of idiocy, as witness one of today’s bits:
Really not often should i come across your blog that’s each and every educative and also engaging, and let me tell you, you have hit the actual toenail on the head.